Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
