I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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