remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
