dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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