Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
