While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
