My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
