the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
