guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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