i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
