I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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