just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
