this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
