I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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