You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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