If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
