Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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