Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
