Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
