dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
