I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
