i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
