we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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