My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
