I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
