I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
