As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
