She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
