I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She announced her abortion via fbk
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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