Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
