please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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