Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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