Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
