I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
