that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
