aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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