you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
