I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
