If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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