I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
soo... how was my night?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
