Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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