I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
