First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
