im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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