she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
