No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My liver just broke up with me...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
