i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
