I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
