i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
