I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
