Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
