toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
That's intense
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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